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Cast of Wonders 360: Encore! Kulturkampf


Kulturkampf

by Anatoly Belilovsky

September 1, 1870

Most respected Feldmarschall von Moltke,

I wish to thank you for giving me the opportunity to put my theories to the test in the taking of Sedan. They were, of course, entirely correct, and our clear tactical victory I am happy to be reporting. (Continue Reading…)

Genres: ,

Cast of Wonders 282: Dreidel Of Dread: The Very Cthulhu Chanukah


Dreidel Of Dread: The Very Cthulhu Chanukah

by Alex Shvartsman

Twas the night before Chanukah, and all through the planet, not a creature was stirring except for the Elder God Cthulhu who was waking up from his eons-long slumber. And as the terrible creature awakened in the city of R’lyeh, deep beneath the Pacific Ocean, and wiped drool from his face-tentacles, all the usual signs heralded the upcoming apocalypse in the outside world: mass hysteria, cats and dogs living together, and cable repairmen arriving to their appointments within the designated three-hour window.

“This will not do,” said Chanukah Henry. “I will not have the world ending on my watch, not during the Festival of Lights.” (Continue Reading…)

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Cast of Wonders 277: Little Wonders 15 – Monster Mayhem!

Show Notes

The Little Wonders theme “Neversus” is by Alexye Nov, available from Promo DJ or his Facebook page.


Brothers in Stitches

by Dantzel Cherry

I’m sorry to say Master lay charred and inert on the laboratory floor for a good quarter hour before I noticed he was dead. I regret pulling the wrong lever, resulting in an overflow of electricity from the storm, the brunt of which Master received, resulting in his death and a ruined experiment. I’m even sorrier to admit I then ate all his internal organs before I remembered to offer any to Harry the moaning subject chained to the metal chair in the middle of the room or to the rest of my brothers-in-stitches in the downstairs dungeon.

(Continue Reading…)

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Episode 234: Why I’m Asking For An Extension On My Paper by Jennifer Hykes

Show Notes

February is Women in Horror Month, an international, grassroots initiative, which encourages supporters to learn about and showcase the underrepresented work of women in the horror industries. Whether they are on the screen, behind the scenes, or contributing in their other various artistic ways, it is clear that women love, appreciate, and contribute to the horror genre. Check out the hashtag WiHM8 for plenty of suggestions. Or if you have the stomach for stronger fair, our sister show Pseudopod.

You can find all our own Women in Horror episodes here!

 


Theme music is “Appeal to Heavens” by Alexye Nov, available from Promo DJ or his Facebook page.


Why I’m Asking for an Extension on my Paper

by Jennifer Hykes

 

Hi, Professor Brandt?  It’s me, Lauren, from your morning lecture?  I know this call is really last minute, and I know you don’t normally grant extensions for “anything short of the apocalypse,” but would you be willing to make an exception?  Friday’s storm knocked out my power.  My computer went offline literally as I sat down to type!  And then the zombies surrounded the house, and between them and the genie and little girls crash-landing on my roof and my housemate’s crazy cat making a general nuisance of himself, my weekend was pretty much shot.

Wait, let me back up.

(Continue Reading…)

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Episode 222: The George Business by Roger Zelazny

Show Notes

Image is “Saint George And The Dragon” in Alexander Gardens, Moscow

Theme music is “Appeal to Heavens” by Alexye Nov, available at MusicAlley.com.


The George Business

by Roger Zelazny

Deep in his lair, Dart twisted his golden length about his small hoard, his sleep troubled by dreams of a series of identical armored assailants. Since dragons’ dreams are always prophetic, he woke with a shudder, cleared his throat to the point of sufficient illumination to check the state of his treasure, stretched, yawned and set forth up the tunnel to consider the strength of the opposition. If it was too great, he would simply flee, he decided. The hell with the hoard, it wouldn’t be the first time.

As he peered from the cave mouth, he beheld a single knight in mismatched armor atop a tired-looking grey horse, just rounding the bend. His lance was not even couched, but still pointing skyward.

Assuring himself that the man was unaccompanied, he roared and slithered forth.

“Halt,” he bellowed, “you who are about to fry!” (Continue Reading…)

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Episode 201: Miss Darcy’s First Intergalactic Ballet Class by Dantzel Cherry

Show Notes

Theme music is “Appeal to Heavens” by Alexye Nov, available from Promo DJ or his Facebook page.


Miss Darcy’s First Intergalactic Ballet Class

by Dantzel Cherry

Darcy walked up to the gilded starship door and it dissolved, revealing what had to be the gaudiest room in the galaxy. Gold, silver, bronze, and minerals that probably didn’t even exist on Earth covered the high ceiling and walls in panels, interlaced throughout with precious stones – and was that tinsel? – depicting who-knows-what. The effect was much like a wild animal had eaten all the jewelry at Tiffany’s and then vomited all over the walls.  

Clearly the ability to travel through all the worlds in the galaxy and kidnap a fifty-two year old ballet teacher didn’t grant good taste in interior design.

The blue blob Overlord guard accompanying her spoke, its voice wobbling with each syllable, and Darcy jumped as a split second later her newly installed gray earslugs wriggled and translated:

“Behold, your students.”

(Continue Reading…)

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Cast of Wonders 160: The Haunted Jalopy Races by M. Bennardo


The Haunted Jalopy Races

by M. Bennardo

It all started when gallant Joe Jones and shiftless Sylvester Sneep agreed to race each other for the hand of pretty Sadie Merriweather. Except that’s not really how it started at all, not the first year anyway, not back in 1938.

Back then, that first year, Joe Jones wasn’t thought especially gallant and Sylvester Sneep wasn’t thought especially shiftless. Sadie Merriweather was indeed thought especially pretty–at least by most of the boys in Rock Falls–but Joe and Sylvester weren’t racing for her hand.

Not even in Rock Falls, not even in 1938, did anybody think that the outcome of a jalopy race could decide the affections of a teenaged girl. Instead, it was purely a matter of honor. Sylvester had felt his pride pricked when Sadie chose Joe over him, and so the challenge for the race had been given. The challenge was well-known among the upper classes at Rock Falls High School, but the rest of the town only got their first inkling of what was happening when the boys revved up their modified flatties at the top of the square pointing out to Falls Bridge down on Five Falls Road, and by then it was too late.

(Continue Reading…)

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Cast of Wonders 158: This Is Your Problem Right Here by David Steffen


This Is Your Problem, Right Here

by David Steffen

“This is your problem, right here.”  The plumber’s deep voice resounded from beneath the maintenance hatch by the main pool at Cascade Reef water park.  “You’ve only got one troll left. For a pool this big, you need fifty minimum, seventy-five if you want everything to run smoothly.”

“Pardon?” shouted Anita Westegard, the owner.  “I only have one of what left?”

The plumber appeared beneath her.  His arms were covered to the elbows with green slime.  “Trolls. See?” He held one grimy hand up toward her holding a tiny skull.  It was almost human in shape, with two thick tusks and curved ram’s horns. “Poor things must have been starved to turn on each other like that.”

(Continue Reading…)

Genres:

Cast of Wonders 139: Little Wonders 6 – A Little Laughter

Show Notes

You’re listening to Little Wonders, our thematic flash fiction collections. This episode we bring you A Little Laughter.

Special thanks to Kevin McCloud and the Free Sounds Project for providing music and special effects.


Continue?

by James Vachowski

 

Fog fades away.  Darkness lifts. I struggle to find my feet as vision returns.  The room is empty. Signs of a struggle.

She’s gone!

Off and running with no control of my body as I fly on a path towards revenge.  An unseen hand guides my movements. Of course I know who took her. Who else could it be but Ryoku?  Damn him! If only we had left when he first made his threats…but this is no time to dwell on the past.

Rushing forward, unable to turn back.

Through flat, muted ears, I can almost hear the timer that ticks down the seconds we have left.

My steel jaw clenches as I will the fury down into my tightened fists.  Rage funnels through them as I pummel wave after wave of Ryoku’s goons, henchmen, thugs, and anyone else foolish enough to stand in my way.

Down the stairs.

Through the alley.

Over the barbed wire fence, ducking a pair of rabid junkyard dogs.

Forward still, rushing onward towards my love, and vengeance.

From nowhere, a street-scraping tuner skids to the curb!  The thick subwoofers within blast out a bass line that shakes the entire block.  Four huge thugs emerge from the tiny lowrider.

They’re all holding bats.

They swarm.

I defend myself to no avail.  Each time I knock down one Yakuza, another regains his footing.  Finally, as I tire from their relentless blows, the thickest of them sneaks up behind me and swings for the fences.

The Louisville Slugger connects.  Solidly. With the back of my head.

Dazed, I fall to the cold street.

The gang shuffles about my still body.  They mock me with a menacing dance.

The world dims to a gray haze.  Through my pixelated, pain-streaked field of vision, I spot the timer which counts down the scant seconds I have to live.

 

19…

18…

 

A single cryptic word flashes beneath the numbers:

 

Continue?

 

I strain my ears once more, listening for my lifeline.  The familiar sound of clinking quarters should come any second.

 

17…

16…

 

It does not.

 

15…

14…

 

I begin to worry.

 

13…

12…

 

Damn it, move your ass, kid!

 

The flat boots of the Yakuza make no sound as the goons pace around me.  The only sound comes from a pair of oversized hightop sneakers as they race across the concrete floor, sprinting towards the change machine.

 

11…

10…

 

I hear the machine hum as it spins the kid’s dollar bill along its rollers.

A pause.

 

9…

8…

 

With an angry whirr, the beast spits the wrinkled bill back out.

 

7…

6…

 

A crumpling sound.  The child uses the palm of his hand to flatten the dollar bill against his pants leg.  He inserts it once more.

 

Another hum.

Another pause.

 

5…

4…

 

The bill catches within.

The ambient soundtrack of the video arcade melts away to silence.  The sirens, the bells, the buzzers, they disappear as I strain to hear one single, joyful noise.  And then, as if by some divine miracle, I hear it. The beautiful tinkling echo of four quarters bouncing off each other as they drop down into the change dish.

The bells of angels would make no sweeter sound.

 

3…

 

The child plods back towards me, each lethargic step causing me more pain than the concussion.

His skinny fingers fidget as they race to stuff the four quarters into my machine.

The coins hang for a split second before finally falling.

Slowly.

 

Twenty-five cents.

Fifty.

 

2…

 

Come on, damn it!

 

Seventy-five cents.

 

The fourth coin sticks.  It misses the stop latch, drops down hard into the change slot, then bounces up.  And out. And across the floor.

The massive Yakuza leader spots the kid’s fumble and smiles.  Pure evil shines in his eyes.

 

1…

 

The last quarter rolls to a stop, mere feet away.

Underneath the sneaker of another kid.

A bigger one.

Much bigger.

 

“Time’s up, twerp” the pimply teenager says with a sneer.  He reaches down to claim the coin as his own. “Let someone else have a turn!”

As the younger boy holds out an empty palm in a desperate plea for mercy, I know my fight is lost.

The Yakuza sense this as well.  They resume their victory shuffle, quicker now, moving with monstrous leers of triumph plastered over their two-dimensional faces.  Lunging, the boy throws himself against his tormentor. His pasty hands flail in a series of wild slaps. The blows find their mark, but do no harm.

The dim light fades faster now.

I think of her.

Of how I failed her.

Of how she is doomed to remain in Ryoku’s evil clutches.

Death envelops me quickly as a cocoon of darkness fills the screen.  In one last show of impotent anger, I clench my fists and fix a hard stare at the child who’d been working my controller.

The kid doesn’t notice.

He’s doubled over beneath the bully’s freckled, scabby arm, sniveling and gasping for air.  His breaths come in short, high-pitched wheezes.

 

I use my final, dying breath to curse the child’s ineptitude.

Man up and defend yourself, you hopeless little turd!  For the love of Christ, it’s just a chokehold! Drive your elbow into his solar plexus, then snap his neck and walk away!

But the boy cannot hear me.

 

The screen goes black.

 

Fog fades away.  Darkness lifts. I struggle to find my feet as vision returns.  The room is empty. Signs of a struggle.

She’s gone!


 

The Girl with the Piccolo


by Charity Tahmaseb

 

No one thinks about the empty note casings after the nightly revelry. Someone has to pick them up, right? That I spent four grueling years at the Acoustic Academy at Stormy Point for the privilege is something I try not to think about.

True, it takes only a breath or two to chase the notes into my sack. Still, patrolling the DMZ (Disharmonious Zone) feels anti-climactic. I didn’t sign up for this. But now, with the sun nearly cresting the horizon, I can’t say what I did sign up for.

I holster the piccolo and continue the patrol. When I first enlisted, I wanted something shiny, something big and brassy, a trumpet or a trombone, or–if I dared to dream–the saxophone. (Really, who doesn’t want the sax?) The supply sergeant gave me a once over and puttered around her inventory on grizzled wings.

“Here you go, sweetie,” she said, dropping a piccolo into my outstretched hands.

My own wings sputtered and I sank to the ground in disbelief.

“None of that,” the supply sergeant barked. “Remember, everyone underestimates the girl with the piccolo. Don’t let them.”

Perhaps I have. Let them, that is. This might explain why that piccolo and I now do border patrol.

Through my viewfinder, I scan the tree line on the other side of the DMZ. I catch sight of my enemy counterpart. She is a brilliant pink, where I am midnight blue. Her wings drip with glitter. Mine spark with stardust. I wonder how she can breathe a single note through her piccolo with all that tinsel in the air.

Through the lens, I see her eyebrows furrow. When her viewfinder is level with mine, I stick out my tongue. This, sadly, is the highlight of my evening.

I near the border, my bag overflowing with spent notes. I swipe the residue from a tuba casing. The tubas are so wasteful. I can fuel my piccolo for a week on what they leave behind. Across the way, the pink fairy dips and swoops; I suspect she’s doing the same thing I am.

A shift in the air makes the fine hairs on my wings stand on end. I shoot skyward just as a full marching band crowds the path alongside the meadow. Stardust fills the air. I could reach out and pluck notes as they float past me. I might. Except. This particular band? Doesn’t include a piccolo player. Underestimated? Try forgotten. Typical. They can play on without me.

I turn to fly away when the stench of rotted nectar hits me. I blink back tears. The aroma clogs the back of my throat. The players are drunk, spoiling for battle, and a wing’s breadth away from the DMZ. From above, I watch the band weave along the path, each rousing measure inching them closer to treaty violation. I cast a look for the security forces. Certainly someone is on the way.

Or not. I blow a few quick notes into my piccolo, an alert that may not reach its intended recipients, at least, not in time. Frantic, I peer through my viewfinder. The stricken face of my counterpart stares back at me, a hand on her own piccolo. A few breaths and she will bring in her own band–and they will not be drunk. They will be deadly, armed with wing-piercing notes. They will tear across the meadow, swoop into the DMZ, reigniting the Fairy Wars.

All on my watch.

I pull out my piccolo. Next, I take a quick peep through my viewfinder to make sure my pink counterpart is watching. She is. I mimic holding a baby, of rocking it to sleep in my arms. Certainly this movement is universal. Pink fairies come from somewhere, yes? I peer through my viewfinder again. Nothing but a pair of pink fuzzy eyebrows, drawn into a frown.

I rock my imaginary baby again, then hold up my piccolo. I run my fingers across it while holding my breath–one false note will bring my plan crumbling down. I check my viewfinder again. One of those pink eyebrows is raised. In question? Understanding? This time, I waltz with my imaginary baby before checking the viewfinder.

I hope her smile means what I think it does. I hope this isn’t a ruse. Without her help, I will be tried for treason, assuming, of course, I survive the ensuing battle.

I hold up a hand for the countdown … three … two … one. Fairies have many lullabies, but only one in three quarters time. When pitched just right it sooths the most colicky baby, sends mortals into a deep sleep. As for drunken fairies …

Her piccolo plays counterpoint to mine. At first, my comrades show no sign of stopping their rampage. In fact, the tuba player bursts through the ranks, intent for the DMZ and the meadow beyond.

Before he can reach the DMZ, his pace flags. The tuba slips from his grip. His wings falter. By the time both are on the ground, he’s snoring. The rest of the band drops off, in twos and threes, notes scattered everywhere. My own notes, and those of the pink fairy, play in the sky, creating an iridescent lavender that prolongs the night.

At last I need a breath–and so does she. I alight on the tuba. From this vantage point, I can peer across the meadow. Through my viewfinder, I study my enemy counterpart. How many times has she fogged my view with pink glitter? How many times have I stuck out my tongue? This time, before she can look away, I salute. Then, I shoot skyward. Someone else can clean up all these notes. After all this time, I realize what the supply sergeant meant.

Never underestimate the girl with the piccolo.

That goes for both of us.


 

Some Assembly Required

by Terry Mirll

CONGRATULATIONS on your purchase of your Easy-Time® Space-o-Matic Build-It-Yourself Time Machine. Easy-Time® Corporation is proud of its product line, offering quality space-time quantum manipulation equipment for home, school, or office. We’re sure you will have hours and hours of fun using this device, once you have followed our simple, easy-to-understand instructions. (But remember: Careful not to kill Grandpa! Ha-ha!)

WARNING: BE SURE TO READ, UNDERSTAND, AND FOLLOW ALL INSTRUCTIONS IN ASSEMBLING THIS DEVICE. ANY DEVIATION FROM THESE INSTRUCTIONS MAY CAUSE YOUR EASY-TIME® SPACE-O-MATIC BUILD-IT-YOURSELF TIME MACHINE TO MISFUCTION AND THUS MAY HAVE UNFORTUNATE OR OTHERWISE UNDESIRABLE CONSEQUENCES. EASY-TIME® CORPORATION ACCEPTS NO RESPONSIBILITY AND ASSUMES NO LIABILITY IN SUCH MATTERS, IN WHICH OCCURANCE THE WARRANTY SHALL BE CONSIDERED NULL AND VOID.

Tools Needed for Assembly (Not Included):

  • Adjustable frequency electro-spanner
  • Fixed frequency electro-spanner (1041 Hz)
  • Twenty-four “C” clamps
  • Ball-peen hammer

Step 1: Ensure all piece parts have been included. These consist of: One packet of short rivets, vertical stabilizer, horizontal stabilizer, frame (pieces A-L), temporal flux modulator, circuit board, windshield/headlight array (available on Deluxe Model only), Easy-Time® Ultra-Comfort adjustable seat.

Note:  By international agreement, temporal flux modulators vary according to region. You must ensure that the temporal flux modulator issued to you is coded for the correct region in which you live. Please see the cross-reference guide included in your purchase packet, or access www.whatsmytemporalfluxmodulatorregion.com for pertinent information. Use of an incorrectly-coded temporal flux modulator can have catastrophic results, including (but not limited to): creation of alternate realities, inescapable time-loop paradoxes, infinite combinatorial inflation of cosmological constants rendering the universe incapable of admitting human life, and drowsiness.

Step 2:  Frame assembly.

Using the twenty-four “C” clamps, arrange the twelve frame pieces to form the machine’s outer skeleton by carefully clamping the clamps at either end of each individual frame piece. Long pieces A-D form the sides; E-L form the top and bottom (see schematic diagram at the head of these instructions). At this point, get a friend to help you.  As you tighten the clamps, ask the friend to tap the frame carefully with the ball-peen hammer at any point lacking proper alignment. (A crisp ninety degrees at all joints is highly recommended.) Once the frame is stabilized, dismiss the friend and affix the pieces using the short rivets. Remove the clamps.

Step 3: Installing the Horizontal Stabilizer.

Slide the support brackets (A-D) of the horizontal stabilizer onto the alignment grooves of the lower sides of the frame. Using the adjustable-frequency electro-spanner, remove the hardware at the bottom of the horizontal stabilizer and adjust the primary and secondary input/output transducers for a +/- 0.2 percent variance. At this stage, precise calibration is a must. When this is accomplished, CAREFULLY re-insert the hardware and reattach, making sure not to cross-compartmentalize the field ambit so as to avoid creating any instances of temporal skip. In temporal dynamics, effect can precede cause, and is thus oftentimes easily overlooked. (Look for anything that seems suddenly out of place, like a sudden lsat-farging mstfrp. A skip is usually quite brief, so stay alert!

Step 4:  Installing the Vertical Stabilizer.

As in Step 3, slide the stabilizer into its support grooves, first removing the hardware (using ONLY the fixed frequency electro-spanner!) and tuning to EXACTLY 1041 Hz. Again, be very careful. Unlike the horizontal stabilizer, an improperly-installed vertical stabilizer can play havoc with cosmological constants affecting universal probabilities, thus creating a cascade of alternate realities that may phase in and out of existence, which, yea, shall most surely vex the Dark Lord, long His unholy reign! Sacrifice a small goat, and reinstall the hardware.

Step 5:  Installing the temporal flux modulator.

Note:  This is the most crucial step in the assembly process. Great care must be taken not to warp or bend external components or allow electronic surge to damage critically delicate internal components.

First, thoroughly wash and dry your hands. With a coarse brush, scrub under your nails with hot, soapy water. It is highly recommended before proceeding with this step to shave your hands and give them a good scouring with a piece of steel wool or pumice stone. Rinse your hands in an ice bath that has been chilled to at least thirty-five degrees Fahrenheit (for Heaven’s sake NOT Celsius!) and examine them under a magnifying glass. Only when you’re certain that your hands are clear of all foreign contaminants should you proceed.

Pick up the temporal flux modulator along its outer edges using only your fingertips and GENTLY insert it in the brackets along the upper half of the vertical stabilizer. If you live in the Northern Hemisphere, ensure that the edge labeled “A” extends along the length of the horizontal stabilizer at precisely one inch (2.5 centimeters if you live in Canada or Europe). If you live in the Southern Hemisphere, ensure that the “A” edge is inserted in a ninety-degree counterclockwise configuration. If you live on the equator, please return your Easy-Time® Space-o-Matic Build-It-Yourself Time Machine to the store where you purchased it and ask for a prompt, cheerful refund. (Receipt required.)

Step 6:  Installing the circuit board.

Before proceeding with this step, it is highly recommended you take a moment to recover from Step 5. Have a good, stiff drink. (Easy-Time® Corporation offers an award-winning assortment of single- and double-malt whiskey blends, so bottom’s up!)

Carefully clip the circuit board securely between the temporal flux modulator and horizontal stabilizer. Inspect all contact points for fit and placement. If desired, you may test all contacts using a standard electromagnetomitron capacitor variance meter. (NOT RECOMMENDED EXCEPT FOR LEVEL VI CERTIFIED TECHNICIANS!)

Step 7:  Installing the Easy-Time® Ultra-Comfort Adjustable Seat.

The seat goes on top.

CONGRATULATIONS! YOUR EASY-TIME® SPACE-O-MATIC BUILD-IT-YOURSELF TIME MACHINE IS READY FOR USE!

Troubleshooting Guide:

Trouble operating your time machine? Here’s a quick list of common problems and solutions:

Problem:  The device won’t operate.

Check the power supply. The temporal flux modulator operates on a standard hearing aid battery, located at the base of the modulator. (See the above comments concerning applicable region. Your region will determine the size and voltage of the battery required.) CAUTION: For extended periods of time travel, it is highly recommended you carry a spare battery, otherwise you may find yourself stranded in some technologically backward (and physically uncomfortable) period in history. If you find yourself temporally marooned, you will need to find a way to leave us a message so that we can send assistance. Be creative. One user’s solution, for example, resulted in a very interesting series of cave paintings in Lascaux.

Problem:  I find myself materializing into empty space, and very nearly suffocate before returning to the present.

Please remember that in time travel, you’re not only going to a moment in time but a place in three-dimensional space (which is why we call it a space-time continuum). If, for instance, you wish to travel to ancient Rome to watch the chariot races, you should also calculate where Rome actually was on the desired date, figuring in variables such as continental drift, the Earth’s rotation, its travel around the sun, the rotation of the Milky Way, and the expansion factor of “hot” Big Bang cosmology. A slide rule or school calculator is helpful.

Problem:  Wherever I go, no one speaks English.

You’ve gone back in time more than five hundred years. The machine is functioning properly.

Problem:  Whatever date I program, the machine takes me to April 20, 1979, and I end up watching Jimmy Carter getting attacked by a rabbit.

We told you to wash those hands.

Your Easy-Time® Space-o-Matic Build-It-Yourself Time Machine is now ready for use. We hope it gives you many hours of fun and adventure. Please use our product responsibly.

CAUTION: In the unlikely event of probability breakdown, the user will notice             intermittent outa along ng continuum as we know it. If this happens, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD THE USER

D              QU                 ¬

├ →                OTHERWISE, THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM ITSELF WILL BEGIN TO UNRAVEL, RESULTING IN TOTAL ANNIH